Being in The Hanged One card

In the midst of uncertainty

I pull tarot cards for myself a lot less these days, but the system of the tarot is still part of how I see the world. The Fool’s Journey is one of growth, transformation, change. It’s a cycle through deaths and rebirths, and it’s one lens through which I understand life.

I’ve been in the midst of deep uncertainty as my work changes and my grad school applications are out floating around. I don’t know what I’ll be doing this fall, and so I don’t know what to do right now - do I start applying for publishing jobs? Will I be starting my MFA in creative writing in the fall, and maybe getting a restaurant job for the summer? It’s all unclear. The freelancing I’m doing is unsustainable, but I’m not sure what moves to make without some information that’s completely out of my control at this point.

This is uncomfortable! It’s stressful! I immensely dislike this feeling. But the other day I thought: ah. Right. I’m in the Hanged One.

My job is to learn how to sit with discomfort, remember that all things change, and know that I cannot simply rush through these feelings or this time. I can distract, I can keep trying to spin my wheels, etc. but: 1. That feels bad and activates deeper stress. 2. I believe being with this will serve me a lot more, that this is a lesson this time is trying to teach me. 

So I turn, of course, to one of my favorite books: Pema Chodron’s Comfortable with Uncertainty. One line in particular on one of the earliest pages is a gut punch:

“Do you prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do you choose to live and die in fear?”

Today, on a walk, my friend and I talked about how strange and uncomfortable it feels to be in limbo, in an in-between space where you know your desires, but getting them is out of your control (I’ve done all that’s in control: writing the best portfolio I could, getting feedback on it, submitting my application, etc).

We walked through the park, where nature is also in a state of change. Limbo, you could call it. Trees are sprouting buds, but it’s still cold out. Spring is coming, but it’s not here yet. We put our hands on a tree together and spoke some things out loud, things that feel cheesy to write but felt good to say: I’m letting go of control. I trust my path. Whatever it’s going to be is what it’s going to be.

Then we came home, and drank tea, and flipped through Comfortable with Uncertainty. I thought of another Buddhist teaching my love has introduced me to through their weekly sangha group: obsessing over getting what you want and avoiding what you don’t does not bring happiness.

That’s been true in my experience. So in the meantime, I keep writing. I drink tea. I kiss my partner’s head. I watch the tree grow tiny fuzzy buds outside my window and I wait for spring.

With care,

Eryn